So, I am seeing a pattern here. It is a pattern that gets farther apart, but remains basically the same.
I come here when I want to write something that weighs heavily on my mind, and want to improve. I want a place where I can put my thoughts that won't be judged, but are not completely hidden. I come here with many of the same problems.
And tonight is no different. I am still trying (mostly unsucessfully) to make a u-turn and put my health before my tastebuds and bad eating habits.
This January I decided I needed a big reset and I started...AND finished my very first whole30. Basically, it is a 30 day diet reset. It is extremely restrictive. I did it for two reasons. First was to lose some weight. I wanted it to be fast and extreme. 2nd, I wanted to get used to eating healthy foods (especially vegetables) and to like cooking again.
During the whole30 experience, I loved many, many things about it and about myself. I liked that I could see cookies on the counter and say no. I liked that there was still junk in my house all over and I could say no. I said NO for 30 days. That is a huge deal for me. Every night when I went to bed, I felt good about myself instead of having to berate myself. And then the 30 days were over. And I stayed strong for...31 days. I lost 14 pounds, which as I write it looks awesome. But at that moment, I was so disappointed. And then the sugar came back into my life and I really haven't been able to stop. The pounds are starting to inch back up.
I seem to feel as though I am stuck in an all or nothing mentality. If I can't have it at all, I can be disciplined. If I try to let it into my life, I eat it all. All the time.
And to be honest, I feel like crap. It goes beyond the scale reversing. I am getting headaches again. My body hurts. I am on a constant sugar high/crash cycle. So, what now? I feel that doing Whole30 again won't be very helpful. I'm tired of having "last meal" syndrome every day where I try to eat all the things so that they are gone.
There just has to be a happy medium between eating all the junk and feeling like junk and eating none of it at all and feeling deprived. I like baking with my kids. I like having food be a fun, occasional, eventful thing. I also like feeling good. I liked how I felt knowing that the food I was putting into my body was good for it. So, how do I get there? There are millions (that's probably close to true) of books and diet plans out there. I don't have time/energy/desire to search them all for one that works. Probably any of them do if you are just consistent.
And there it is. Consistent. That was the word that I wanted to develop into my character for the year. And to be honest, February was a rough month for me. And I feel as though I've failed. I've failed myself and everyone who was proud of me for sticking it out on whole30.
But. I AM NOT going to let myself be a failure. Perhaps it starts with expectations. I'm not going to lose 20 lbs every month. It's going to take very consistent work to heal my body. And I can do that. I'm still not as bad off as where I started in January. And even if I were, I am still not a failure.
I am not going to end this year as a quitter. March 1st didn't go so well for me, but that doesn't matter. I am going to do this. Goals for tomorrow:
1. Make a meal plan 80/20
2. Stick to the plan
a. no snacking
b. eat at the table, w/o distractions (I'm already finding excuses for not doing this, it will be hard, but I think it will be worth it.)
3. 1 treat per day. Only something worth it and only if I'm able to enjoy it. NO mindless snacking of sugary stuff.
Thats it.
