I just read the description of myself on the blog here. It is true. My life is a shambled mishmash of things. I hate describing myself. The empty space waiting or me to tell succinctly, yet wittily, how I view myself. This should be easy, I think to myself. After all, I know what/who I am...don't I?
This past year has been really difficult for me in this respect. I have been exhausted by the myriad of responsibilities that accompany the care of five humans, most of which directly rely on my "talents" (ie: grunt labor) for their very basic survival needs. I do all of this while trying to be a friend, learn new technology, and manage my church calling/s. Add to that the pressures of school involvement for my six-year-old, preschool for my three-year-old, and trying to harness the incredible brain power/physical energy needs of my toddler boy. And on top of this, I want to feel like I do something. I want to know that I am at least one thing besides a really underpaid maid/nanny. Yet all the DIY or cooking or photography I try ends up unfinished because of other more urgent demands on my time. And to add to this, I want to satisfy my vanity a little bit. I want to look nice. Fashionably aware, without being over-run by trends, but not missing the boat; physically fit, without starving, extreme dieting or exercising until I die; and the ability to give a genuine smile and say "I'm great!" when someone takes the time to ask.
And yet...I find that too often the smile feels false. Far more than I'd like, something/everything is not great. My husband tells me (and I tell myself) that I expect too much. That I try to do too much. It is true. I know that. But tell me, what is there to cut out?
I AM ultimately responsible for the feeding/watering/clothing/washing/teaching of all five (soon to be six) of us. I don't begrudge this. In fact, I am genuinely happy to do it. I have chosen this as my life's main work and it brings me a lot of joy. But, it takes a lot of T-I-M-E and, in even shorter supply, energy.
I AM going to be an active participant in my children's education. Period. Oh yeah, and I did cut out being a room parent this year, luckily there were plenty of party-throwers available and anxious for the job!
I AM going to try my best to magnify my church calling. Lots of work it may be, but I made the commitment long ago to give my best to God, so that's that. And, I'm becoming a much better delegator. So I feel like I'm cutting here where I can.
So what does that leave? Me. Figuring out what to fill in that blank personal description space that is actually only about me. And I tell you, I don't know what to do. By the time I have a moment to even consider filling it in, I am so exhausted and frustrated that the space looks bigger, blanker, and more daunting than before.
And yet, I have a nagging feeling that until I can confidently fill that space, even with only a single sentence that's purely about me, that my smile will continue to feel a little bit false.
