Consistent: It's a hard word

So, I am seeing a pattern here.  It is a pattern that gets farther apart, but remains basically the same.

I come here when I want to write something that weighs heavily on my mind, and want to improve.  I want a place where I can put my thoughts that won't be judged, but are not completely hidden.  I come here with many of the same problems.

And tonight is no different.  I am still trying (mostly unsucessfully) to make a u-turn and put my health before my tastebuds and bad eating habits.

This January I decided I needed a big reset and I started...AND finished my very first whole30.  Basically, it is a 30 day diet reset.  It is extremely restrictive.  I did it for two reasons.  First was to lose some weight.  I wanted it to be fast and extreme.  2nd, I wanted to get used to eating healthy foods (especially vegetables) and to like cooking again.

During the whole30 experience, I loved many, many things about it and about myself.  I liked that I could see cookies on the counter and say no.  I liked that there was still junk in my house all over and I could say no.  I said NO for 30 days.  That is a huge deal for me.  Every night when I went to bed, I felt good about myself instead of having to berate myself.  And then the 30 days were over.  And I stayed strong for...31 days.  I lost 14 pounds, which as I write it looks awesome.  But at that moment, I was so disappointed.  And then the sugar came back into my life and I really haven't been able to stop.  The pounds are starting to inch back up.

I seem to feel as though I am stuck in an all or nothing mentality.  If I can't have it at all, I can be disciplined.  If I try to let it into my life, I eat it all.  All the time.

And to be honest, I feel like crap.  It goes beyond the scale reversing.  I am getting headaches again.  My body hurts.  I am on a constant sugar high/crash cycle.  So, what now?  I feel that doing Whole30 again won't be very helpful.  I'm tired of having "last meal" syndrome every day where I try to eat all the things so that they are gone.

There just has to be a happy medium between eating all the junk and feeling like junk and eating none of it at all and feeling deprived.  I like baking with my kids.  I like having food be a fun, occasional, eventful thing.  I also like feeling good.  I liked how I felt knowing that the food I was putting into my body was good for it.  So, how do I get there?  There are millions (that's probably close to true) of books and diet plans out there.  I don't have time/energy/desire to search them all for one that works.  Probably any of them do if you are just consistent.

And there it is.  Consistent.  That was the word that I wanted to develop into my character for the year.  And to be honest, February was a rough month for me.  And I feel as though I've failed.  I've failed myself and everyone who was proud of me for sticking it out on whole30.

But.  I AM NOT going to let myself be a failure.  Perhaps it starts with expectations.  I'm not going to lose 20 lbs every month.  It's going to take very consistent work to heal my body.  And I can do that.  I'm still not as bad off as where I started in January.  And even if I were, I am still not a failure.

I am not going to end this year as a quitter.  March 1st didn't go so well for me, but that doesn't matter.  I am going to do this.  Goals for tomorrow:

1. Make a meal plan 80/20
2. Stick to the plan
    a. no snacking
    b. eat at the table, w/o distractions (I'm already finding excuses for not doing this, it will be hard, but I think it will be worth it.)
3. 1 treat per day. Only something worth it and only if I'm able to enjoy it.  NO mindless snacking of sugary stuff.

Thats it.

2016

So, I am heavier than I have ever been, other than my last pregnancy.  I'm pretty depressed about it, and it can make it feel impossible to change.  Not just the depression about it, but also the fact that I have failed so many times when I have started to try and get healthier.  The fact is, that I'm facing the rest of my life.  I have to get myself under control, or my weight could keep climbing.

So...what to do?  I know the basics.  I need to eat less, and exercise more.  But above all, I need to be consistent.  And that is really hard.  It is so easy to find excuses about why things are too hard for me.  But.  I've got to do this.

I want to be healthy.  I want to look better in my clothes and without them.  But mostly, I want to prove to myself that I can do something hard.  I can take control of my life.

The problem is that I am too proud to ask for help.  I need help from my Heavenly Father.  That is who I need to turn to first.

2015 Goals

My new year starts when kids go back to school.

1.  Get to know my Savior and Heavenly Father better this year.  Establish a more personal relationship with them through:
      a.  Daily prayer both morning and evening
      b.  Daily scripture study
           MWF-scripture reading by topic
           TTh-conference Ensign/lesson
           SatSun-Sunday School/YW lesson
      c.  Read "Jesus the Christ"

2.  Keep healthy through this pregnancy.  Keep weight gain to a minimum.  Accomplish this by:
      a. daily exercise
          <10,000 steps, weights 3x per week, pilates 3x per week
      b. calorie count=1700 per day

3.  Achieve personal contentment...haha.  Try to do better here by accomplishing something good each day.
     a.  January = spring cleaning

4.  Be a better Mom
     a.  read with all kids daily

5.  Wife-y goals.  Do a better job expressing my emotions to Derek and offer him emotional relief through back/foot rubs.

My Way or...

When I was about 15 years old, I came home from school on a Friday night to my Mom rushing me to pack an overnight bag and get in the Suburban so that we could go.  I didn't understand the need to leave so suddenly, but what really bothered me about it was that my parents didn't even consider that I might have had plans or whether I would like to go.  It really ticked me off and it took me the entire 6 hour drive to St. George plus a half hour of sulking in the pool before I could enjoy the trip.  I felt better the next day, but it was hard to get over.

I like knowing what is coming up so that I can mentally prepare to exert energy.  I have found that it is very difficult for me to just do something without time to prepare.  Especially if it involves taking me out of my comfort zone.

Well, today I could have been the same little girl.  Except that I am much more adept (I hope) at hiding my irritation.  I had a crazy day.  We transplanted the lettuce--in hopes that it will grow real lettuce heads with more space--and planted tomatoes until 11:30, then I nursed baby, then I fed the kids lunch, put J and E to bed, then I fed myself lunch, fed baby lunch and then spent my "quiet time" working on the newsletter for B's school.  With a tight deadline on that creeping up, D called to ask if I wanted to go camping on Thursday.  In that moment of stress, I had absolutely no desire to go camping.  Camping is SO MUCH WORK!!!  I didn't want to think about menu planning, grocery shopping, packing, laundry, how to entertain baby. Camping is like taking my current life and having me do everything I usually do, while taking away all conveniences and adding more difficulties, like supervised bathroom trips for all the kids, dirty faces, hands, dishes, etc.  The crazy thing is that I like camping with my family.  However this time, we are going with some other people.  We are friends, and I like them a lot.  But, I am not quite comfortable around them.  I am definitely not comfortable around the husband, and while I like the wife a lot, I am slightly intimidated by her, and A LOT by him.

I know that I shouldn't care what they will be thinking of how I camp, and where my kids are, what I let them do, etc.  but the idea of having to make small talk and keep my temper for 24 hours, is super daunting right now.

It will be fun, and I know D and the kids will have a blast, but right now, all I want to do is climb in bed, pull the covers up to my ears and pretend that I have no responsibilities to anyone at all.  Except that I'm not very good at lying to myself...

Simplify

I'm trying very hard to simplify.  So, this weeks goals are:

Go to bed by 10:30.

Get up at 5:30, scripture study and exercise.

Eat meals sitting down.

One, homemade sugar per day.  That means one serving, one brownie/cookie/etc.  No store bought sugar.

That is it.  I'll try to report next week.

Also, wish me luck!  We've been sick and Derek's having knee surgery on Wednesday.  Last time that was really hard on me and I'm already feeling depleted.

New Years Resolutions

Ah...it's that time of year again. And, I'm going to try and tone it down a bit.

There are soooo many things that I would like to accomplish this year.  But I will focus on only a few. (I'll try anyway...)

Physical
Develop healthy eating habits.  Start by counting calories and eating more vegetables.
Exercise 5 days per week.
Reach a healthy weight.

Mental
Write in journal/personal blog once a week.
Do one present and one past family blog per week.
Take more photos of daily life

Social
*Be more involved at Brooklyn's school.  Newsletter on time each remaining month of the year.
*Be a better friend.  Listen rather than talk.

Personal
Accomplish 1 personal progress goal per week and one project every two months.
Pray night and morning
Read scriptures daily

Family
Read to my children daily.
Be present with Brooklyn when she is home from school
Preschool twice per week
Date nights with Derek.

Okay, that is already a lot. But I do feel that it is doable.  It will just take some work.
I am excited.  I know in a week, it will be much harder, but I can do it.  I am made of strong stuff.

#46 Clean the Couch

Yay!  Just in time for baby's arrival, we have the couch and rocker all looking good.  

#94

Get a Pedicure

We went for a pedicure in lieu of a baby shower.  It was lots of fun, and I like having painted toes since I can't bend that far myself right now.

#52

Go to Wisconsin

This was the total round trip mileage.  We had a great time!

Fat?

"I think I'm fat." My six, almost seven-year-old blurted out one night as we were getting pajamas on.  After a moment of stunned silence, my husband asked her why she thinks that.  And she replied that her tummy is bigger than ... other people's.  She wouldn't tell us which people, and finally copped out  by saying Dad and Mom.  I'm almost positive that her statement is a cop out since I am 8--almost 9-- months pregnant, so my tummy is bigger than most.

I'm not sure what brought all this on.  We have been hanging out with her many girl cousins while on vacation, many of whom are very petite and have more age and height on their side than she does.  I don't know if that is what caused her reflections on this or if she's been noticing/worrying for a while comparing herself to friends at school.

However, I do know that I haven't been a great example of positive body image for her.  I don't often like the way I look, and will have a fair amount of weight to lose after this baby is born.  I also want to be healthy and happy with my own body, but it is a daily struggle.  So...how do I lose the negative attitude and love my body, while still acknowledging that I want and need to improve it?  How do I teach my daughters and sons (and myself) that being fit/healthy is important, without pushing to the extreme and making it all-important?

Focus on healthy eating?  Yet I don't want to have sweets be forbidden or rewards, but a fun treat to enjoy.

Focus on maintaining a healthy body through exercise?  Yet I don't want her to go crazy there either.

Focus on the joys of having a healthy body and all the things it allows us to do? This seems good, but how to do it?

Focus on NOT comparing my body to some unachievable standard of beauty and rather on becoming my best?  This seems very important, but how do i teach my daughters to do this when i struggle with it daily?  How do I figure this one out?  What is my best and at what point should I be satisfied with my level of fitness?  Without devoting excessive amounts of time (seriously, you could spend several hours each day--I'm talking over four...

Focus on the fact that the body is only half of me and not neglecting the spirit that goes with it?  Keeping the fact in the forefront of my mind that I am a daughter of God, and that beauty is more than my body but rather what I use my body to accomplish while I am here on earth?

It seems that I need a combination of all of these things.  As much as I would like to say that looks don't matter to me, that they are not important , it is simply not true.  Nor do I think it should be.  I want to have a healthy body.  I want to be at a healthy weight.  I'd like to be physically fit and have better eating habits.  But..I also don't want to make that my main or only focus in life.

I can't afford to give up hours a day to be in top physical shape.  That wouldn't be fair to my kids, my husband or myself.  I don't think it wise to jump on every healthy eating fad/bandwagon that comes along.  I can't always control every aspect of my body (especially during pregnancy.).

So.

What can I do?

I WILL do my best to instill confidence in my children (especially my daughters) about their bodies as gifts from Heavenly Father.

I can be grateful for my body and health.

I can speak positively about the way I look, and acknowledge progress as it comes.

I can make progress in taking care of my body.

I can nourish my body and put only good things in it...but wait, perhaps this would be best.

I can think of my body as a temple.

Temples are well cared for.  The grounds are beautifully kept.  This requires work!  Exercise and grooming are akin to grounds keeping and cleaning maintenance.  This is a very important part of keeping the temples beautiful.  Yet, it does not go on 24 hours a day.  It is not the main focus when one visits, that would distract from the purpose of the temple.

Temples are constructed of high quality materials.  Not to excess; not every surface is covered in gold or precious stones, but they are excellent quality.  My food choices can echo this.  My family's diet should be based on healthy options, that are also tasty and not exorbitant.

Temples are beautiful in their simplicity, but are not devoid of decoration or ornament.  Paintings and curtains adorn the walls and windows.  And there are beautiful light fixtures and furnishings that are still utilizable.  That is how I can model our dress/hair/makeup etc.  All work together to compliment the whole, without being excessive or overbearing.

So, after all of that, I guess my job is to teach myself and my family to view their bodies as the Temples they are, and to care for them accordingly.

A scripture to memorize... 1 Corinthians 3:16, "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?"

And since I know that the most important teaching is one by example, I can and WILL start by trying to believe these things about myself, today.  I can learn to treat my own body as a temple, and through my example, teach my children to treasure their bodies as well.   Hopefully this will help build confidence and security despite the image obsessed world we live in.

Blank Space

I just read the description of myself on the blog here.  It is true.  My life is a shambled mishmash of things.  I hate describing myself.  The empty space waiting or me to tell succinctly, yet wittily, how I view myself.  This should be easy, I think to myself.  After all, I know what/who I am...don't I?

This past year has been really difficult for me in this respect.  I have been exhausted by the myriad of responsibilities that accompany the care of five humans, most of which directly rely on my "talents" (ie: grunt labor) for their very basic survival needs.  I do all of this while trying to be a friend, learn new technology, and manage my church calling/s.  Add to that the pressures of school involvement for my six-year-old, preschool for my three-year-old, and trying to harness the incredible brain power/physical energy needs of my toddler boy.  And on top of this, I want to feel like I do something.  I want to know that I am at least one thing besides a really underpaid maid/nanny.  Yet all the DIY or cooking or photography I try ends up unfinished because of other more urgent demands on my time.  And to add to this, I want to satisfy my vanity a little bit.  I want to look nice.  Fashionably aware, without being over-run by trends, but not missing the boat; physically fit, without starving, extreme dieting or exercising until I die; and the ability to give a genuine smile and say "I'm great!" when someone takes the time to ask.

And yet...I find that too often the smile feels false.  Far more than I'd like, something/everything is not great.  My husband tells me (and I tell myself) that I expect too much.  That I try to do too much. It is true.  I know that.  But tell me, what is there to cut out?

I AM ultimately responsible for the feeding/watering/clothing/washing/teaching of all five (soon to  be six) of us.  I don't begrudge this.  In fact, I am genuinely happy to do it.  I have chosen this as my life's main work and it brings me a lot of joy.  But, it takes a lot of T-I-M-E and, in even shorter supply, energy.

I AM going to be an active participant in my children's education.  Period.  Oh yeah, and I did cut out being a room parent this year, luckily there were plenty of party-throwers available and anxious for the job!

I AM going to try my best to magnify my church calling.  Lots of work it may be, but I made the commitment long ago to give my best to God, so that's that.  And, I'm becoming a much better delegator.  So I feel like I'm cutting here where I can.

So what does that leave?  Me.  Figuring out what to fill in that blank personal description space that is actually only about me.  And I tell you, I don't know what to do.  By the time I have a moment to even consider filling it in, I am so exhausted and frustrated that the space looks bigger, blanker, and more daunting than before.

And yet, I have a nagging feeling that until I can confidently fill that space, even with only a single sentence that's purely about me, that my smile will continue to feel a little bit false.

#1 Run a 10K

Here we are, the crazy turkey trotters!  Thanks Tish for running with me, even though I nearly died at the end.  We ran every step of that 6.2 miles.  Time: 1 hr 6 mins 48 secs

#56 Brine a Turkey

I brined this baby.  And to my pregnant stomach, it tasted pretty awful.  Everyone else seemed to like it though.

To Be a Mother in Zion...

I've been having a rather difficult summer.  My plans have not been adding up the way I wanted them to, with my husband's knee surgery, preschool complications, and other unexpected things, I've been feeling a lot of stress.  Life is tough, and I am dealing with a lot of raw emotions.  Sadly, my mothering skills are too often in slacking mode.  I feel as though I am in meet-basic-needs mode and I can't get out of it.

While sitting in the "Family Relations" class at church the other Sunday, we were asked to read a talk by President Ezra Taft Benson titled, "To the Mothers in Zion" for our homework.  My first instinct was to ignore it since I felt guilty enough already but I started it anyway, and then spent the next several minutes reading it in class.  It is a gem.  I don't remember a lot about President Benson's time as Prophet (1985-1994) since I was pretty young, but from reading the words he said, I feel that he speaks quite directly.  I usually enjoy that, and it was no different in this talk.

President Benson begins directly with a statement that is so true, it rings in my bones.  "Spending time with your children is the greatest gift of all."  That's it.  T-I-M-E time.  Precious and fleeting though it is, and perhaps because that is exactly what it is.  My eyes start to well and my chest tightens because I know that this is the important thing, and yet is so easy to run out of.  However, he then gets specific and gives ten ways to spend effective time with our children.

1. Be at the Crossroads
2. Be a Real Friend
3. Read to Your Children
4. Pray with Your Children
5. Have Weekly Home Evenings
6. Be Together at Mealtimes
7. Read Scriptures Daily
8. Do Things as a Family
9. Teach Your Children
10. Truly Love Your Children

So, to help me internalize these principles, I'm giving myself an assignment.  For six weeks I will read this talk each Sunday and try to incorporate the ideas into my weekly activities.  Then I will write a summary report.

As I said in the beginning of this post, it's been an emotionally draining and difficult summer for me.  I feel that I often get caught up in the monotony of dishes, laundry, cleaning, wiping faces/hands/feet, cleaning muddy footprints/shoes/hands/fingernails/faces, cooking, and dishes again and forget to enjoy where I am.  My small children, the joys of their small triumphs and failures, the excitement of dirt/shovels/water/bugs, and their growth that is a seemingly indirect result of all the pure grunt labor and sacrifice I make every day.

And then, as I write this, I remember that times we played in the hose, watered the garden together, went to the park, read books or just talked.  Those are the happy times.  I want more of them.  And that is purely up to me.  The kids will find those imaginative opportunities.  But if I want to be a part of them, their imaginations, their joys, and their triumphs, I'll have to take that time, let other things go and BE a part of it.

#26 Build a Sandcastle

Here it is.  The kids especially loved the hole inside.  I officially got my hands dirty and sculpted some sand.  It was more fun than I thought it would be.

Blessings

It's been an interesting day.  I've had three extremely late nights in a row due to a combination of insomnia and my skin issues, and woke up this morning feeling rather angry at the world and sorry for my tough lot in life.  After a morning full of poopy diaper changes, getting three breakfasts, doing last night's dishes, starting a load of laundry, and helping mow and clean up the back yard, I stood at the counter making sandwiches (Two peanut butter and jellies on white bread for the husband, two soynut butter and jellies for the girls, and one soynut on a bagel for the allergy boy)   for everyone's lunch.  Wallowing in my self-pity, nasty thoughts came to mind of how not one of them would even care that I made three separate lunches for them so they would each like it/be healthy/safe and it was almost positive that they wouldn't realize I still have one to make for myself since I don't even like pb&j (or the allergy friendly variants) and even if I did want one, I'm not sure if I should eat that bread since I still have baby weight to lose.  


At that moment, I had a moment of recognition that I was wallowing and I decided to stop.  But, my own will was not strong enough at that moment to do it.  I said a prayer.  It went something like, "Dear Father-in-Heaven, please help me.  I don't want to make these sandwiches out of spite or duty.  I want to do it out of love.  Please help me to do that."  And, I forced a smile and kept spreading the jam.  

In a few moments, I looked out the window and saw B. playing with her little brother.  He was laughing, she was laughing.  E. was walking slowly in front of Dad pushing the small handle of the lawnmower while Dad, arms stretched long, walked behind her as they cut the grass.  I had a very different kind of moment.  It started out peaceful and happy and quickly turned to awe.  I thought, "We are a family.  We all do things that aren't convenient to help each other out.  We do it from duty, from need, from kindness, and above all from love.  That is what makes our family work, and why I cycle through the never-ending practical necessities--including making sandwiches.  I bowed my head there at the kitchen counter again, this time in gratitude for an answered prayer.

Then, a little bit later, I had to bite the bullet and call the credit card company to take care of some incorrect charges.  I thought that I would have no chance of having them removed, though I had done everything as correctly as I could.  As I said a prayer for strength and courage to make the call, I remembered that we had paid our tithing on Sunday.  I stayed after church and deliberately made the payment, though a big part of me wanted to just take it home and then turn it in next week.  However, I decided not to be lazy and did it.  Remembering that instance right before my phone call, I felt that I would see the blessings of paying an honest and timely tithe.  I made the call and everything was resolved quickly and easily.  As I dissolved into tears of gratitude, I knew in my heart that this blessing was a direct result of tithing.

I write this today in hopes that my future self or children will be able to look back on these experiences in a time of need.  It was greatly needed by me today and I am so grateful to know I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, who knows my needs, and who answers my most humble prayers.  

#51 Hang a Shelf

  And to top it off, I hung two!

Golden

I'm not sure when or where I heard about golden birthdays and golden years, probably in Elementary school. All I remember is that the year you turn the age of your date of birth is your "Golden Year". One of the best years of your life. I remember being annoyed that mine was so far in the future and have looked forward to being 27 almost as long as I can remember. Today is that day. The beginning of my Golden year. However, rather than sit around and expect this to be the best year of my life and ending up disappointed, I've made a few plans. First, I want to remember this year I've waited so long for. So, I will be taking a picture each day. Hopefully something good and memorable. Second, I want to write in my journal once a week reflecting gratefully on my blessings. And finally, I want to give thanks to my Father in Heaven each night. I hope and have faith that doing these things will help me make this anticipated year well worth remembering. Allez!

#24 Do a Cleanse

Three Days of Apple Juice and Water later and I was cleansed.  I guess.  It was an interesting thing to do, but I think next time I would just eat raw for a while.  Healthier and less extreme.

Gratitude

I am grateful today for three things. 1. The very tolerant people at Target today, especially in the checkout lines who smiled as my worn out kiddos cried in the cart. I felt encouragement and good humor and even recieved a few nice words/stories instead of mean looks. Thanks for your patience and understanding folks! 2. The extremely nice gentleman who bought my girls a treat in the checkout line yesterday after asking if it was okay with me. The kids were ecstatic! 3. That Kirkland brand is smart enough to put their white collared shirts in plastic so that when it is dropped multiple times on various not-at-all clean surfaces (while the colored shirt manages to remain in my arms despite all gravity's best efforts to the contrary) is still sparklingly clean and white! It's the little things that can help keep a crazy day a positive experience.