Consistent: It's a hard word

So, I am seeing a pattern here.  It is a pattern that gets farther apart, but remains basically the same.

I come here when I want to write something that weighs heavily on my mind, and want to improve.  I want a place where I can put my thoughts that won't be judged, but are not completely hidden.  I come here with many of the same problems.

And tonight is no different.  I am still trying (mostly unsucessfully) to make a u-turn and put my health before my tastebuds and bad eating habits.

This January I decided I needed a big reset and I started...AND finished my very first whole30.  Basically, it is a 30 day diet reset.  It is extremely restrictive.  I did it for two reasons.  First was to lose some weight.  I wanted it to be fast and extreme.  2nd, I wanted to get used to eating healthy foods (especially vegetables) and to like cooking again.

During the whole30 experience, I loved many, many things about it and about myself.  I liked that I could see cookies on the counter and say no.  I liked that there was still junk in my house all over and I could say no.  I said NO for 30 days.  That is a huge deal for me.  Every night when I went to bed, I felt good about myself instead of having to berate myself.  And then the 30 days were over.  And I stayed strong for...31 days.  I lost 14 pounds, which as I write it looks awesome.  But at that moment, I was so disappointed.  And then the sugar came back into my life and I really haven't been able to stop.  The pounds are starting to inch back up.

I seem to feel as though I am stuck in an all or nothing mentality.  If I can't have it at all, I can be disciplined.  If I try to let it into my life, I eat it all.  All the time.

And to be honest, I feel like crap.  It goes beyond the scale reversing.  I am getting headaches again.  My body hurts.  I am on a constant sugar high/crash cycle.  So, what now?  I feel that doing Whole30 again won't be very helpful.  I'm tired of having "last meal" syndrome every day where I try to eat all the things so that they are gone.

There just has to be a happy medium between eating all the junk and feeling like junk and eating none of it at all and feeling deprived.  I like baking with my kids.  I like having food be a fun, occasional, eventful thing.  I also like feeling good.  I liked how I felt knowing that the food I was putting into my body was good for it.  So, how do I get there?  There are millions (that's probably close to true) of books and diet plans out there.  I don't have time/energy/desire to search them all for one that works.  Probably any of them do if you are just consistent.

And there it is.  Consistent.  That was the word that I wanted to develop into my character for the year.  And to be honest, February was a rough month for me.  And I feel as though I've failed.  I've failed myself and everyone who was proud of me for sticking it out on whole30.

But.  I AM NOT going to let myself be a failure.  Perhaps it starts with expectations.  I'm not going to lose 20 lbs every month.  It's going to take very consistent work to heal my body.  And I can do that.  I'm still not as bad off as where I started in January.  And even if I were, I am still not a failure.

I am not going to end this year as a quitter.  March 1st didn't go so well for me, but that doesn't matter.  I am going to do this.  Goals for tomorrow:

1. Make a meal plan 80/20
2. Stick to the plan
    a. no snacking
    b. eat at the table, w/o distractions (I'm already finding excuses for not doing this, it will be hard, but I think it will be worth it.)
3. 1 treat per day. Only something worth it and only if I'm able to enjoy it.  NO mindless snacking of sugary stuff.

Thats it.

2016

So, I am heavier than I have ever been, other than my last pregnancy.  I'm pretty depressed about it, and it can make it feel impossible to change.  Not just the depression about it, but also the fact that I have failed so many times when I have started to try and get healthier.  The fact is, that I'm facing the rest of my life.  I have to get myself under control, or my weight could keep climbing.

So...what to do?  I know the basics.  I need to eat less, and exercise more.  But above all, I need to be consistent.  And that is really hard.  It is so easy to find excuses about why things are too hard for me.  But.  I've got to do this.

I want to be healthy.  I want to look better in my clothes and without them.  But mostly, I want to prove to myself that I can do something hard.  I can take control of my life.

The problem is that I am too proud to ask for help.  I need help from my Heavenly Father.  That is who I need to turn to first.

2015 Goals

My new year starts when kids go back to school.

1.  Get to know my Savior and Heavenly Father better this year.  Establish a more personal relationship with them through:
      a.  Daily prayer both morning and evening
      b.  Daily scripture study
           MWF-scripture reading by topic
           TTh-conference Ensign/lesson
           SatSun-Sunday School/YW lesson
      c.  Read "Jesus the Christ"

2.  Keep healthy through this pregnancy.  Keep weight gain to a minimum.  Accomplish this by:
      a. daily exercise
          <10,000 steps, weights 3x per week, pilates 3x per week
      b. calorie count=1700 per day

3.  Achieve personal contentment...haha.  Try to do better here by accomplishing something good each day.
     a.  January = spring cleaning

4.  Be a better Mom
     a.  read with all kids daily

5.  Wife-y goals.  Do a better job expressing my emotions to Derek and offer him emotional relief through back/foot rubs.

My Way or...

When I was about 15 years old, I came home from school on a Friday night to my Mom rushing me to pack an overnight bag and get in the Suburban so that we could go.  I didn't understand the need to leave so suddenly, but what really bothered me about it was that my parents didn't even consider that I might have had plans or whether I would like to go.  It really ticked me off and it took me the entire 6 hour drive to St. George plus a half hour of sulking in the pool before I could enjoy the trip.  I felt better the next day, but it was hard to get over.

I like knowing what is coming up so that I can mentally prepare to exert energy.  I have found that it is very difficult for me to just do something without time to prepare.  Especially if it involves taking me out of my comfort zone.

Well, today I could have been the same little girl.  Except that I am much more adept (I hope) at hiding my irritation.  I had a crazy day.  We transplanted the lettuce--in hopes that it will grow real lettuce heads with more space--and planted tomatoes until 11:30, then I nursed baby, then I fed the kids lunch, put J and E to bed, then I fed myself lunch, fed baby lunch and then spent my "quiet time" working on the newsletter for B's school.  With a tight deadline on that creeping up, D called to ask if I wanted to go camping on Thursday.  In that moment of stress, I had absolutely no desire to go camping.  Camping is SO MUCH WORK!!!  I didn't want to think about menu planning, grocery shopping, packing, laundry, how to entertain baby. Camping is like taking my current life and having me do everything I usually do, while taking away all conveniences and adding more difficulties, like supervised bathroom trips for all the kids, dirty faces, hands, dishes, etc.  The crazy thing is that I like camping with my family.  However this time, we are going with some other people.  We are friends, and I like them a lot.  But, I am not quite comfortable around them.  I am definitely not comfortable around the husband, and while I like the wife a lot, I am slightly intimidated by her, and A LOT by him.

I know that I shouldn't care what they will be thinking of how I camp, and where my kids are, what I let them do, etc.  but the idea of having to make small talk and keep my temper for 24 hours, is super daunting right now.

It will be fun, and I know D and the kids will have a blast, but right now, all I want to do is climb in bed, pull the covers up to my ears and pretend that I have no responsibilities to anyone at all.  Except that I'm not very good at lying to myself...

Simplify

I'm trying very hard to simplify.  So, this weeks goals are:

Go to bed by 10:30.

Get up at 5:30, scripture study and exercise.

Eat meals sitting down.

One, homemade sugar per day.  That means one serving, one brownie/cookie/etc.  No store bought sugar.

That is it.  I'll try to report next week.

Also, wish me luck!  We've been sick and Derek's having knee surgery on Wednesday.  Last time that was really hard on me and I'm already feeling depleted.

New Years Resolutions

Ah...it's that time of year again. And, I'm going to try and tone it down a bit.

There are soooo many things that I would like to accomplish this year.  But I will focus on only a few. (I'll try anyway...)

Physical
Develop healthy eating habits.  Start by counting calories and eating more vegetables.
Exercise 5 days per week.
Reach a healthy weight.

Mental
Write in journal/personal blog once a week.
Do one present and one past family blog per week.
Take more photos of daily life

Social
*Be more involved at Brooklyn's school.  Newsletter on time each remaining month of the year.
*Be a better friend.  Listen rather than talk.

Personal
Accomplish 1 personal progress goal per week and one project every two months.
Pray night and morning
Read scriptures daily

Family
Read to my children daily.
Be present with Brooklyn when she is home from school
Preschool twice per week
Date nights with Derek.

Okay, that is already a lot. But I do feel that it is doable.  It will just take some work.
I am excited.  I know in a week, it will be much harder, but I can do it.  I am made of strong stuff.

#46 Clean the Couch

Yay!  Just in time for baby's arrival, we have the couch and rocker all looking good.